When Your Urgency Does Not Constitute My Emergency

Does Planning Seating Charts at Dinner Parties for 10 Qualify As Controlling?

Ask anyone who's known me the last 20 years, and they'll say the same thing:

"She plans EVERYTHING."

At dinner a few weeks ago, I mentioned seat assignments for every dinner party. I meticulously match people based on personality and interests so conversations flow and nobody gets stuck with three hours of small talk about crypto — unless it's their thing.

My friend looks at me like I confessed to matching the color of my underwear to my outfits. "What? It's a casual party, right!?! I should sit where I want - preferably next to my husband."

My brain: does not compute.

Her face: You're exhausting.
Honestly? Fair.

Is This an Innate or Learned Trait?

I know this is going to be a shocker to most people.

I wasn't always "Plan-It JT."

My parents, my sisters, the friends who knew me before corporate — they remember "Wing-It JT."

From school to the start of my career.
Figured it out as I went.
Charm and Wit were my modus operandi.

Trusted myself to always land on my feet.

Then life was interrupted in a significant way — September 11, 2001.
That's another blog for another Sunday.

Told my CEO I needed a break. He didn't object, so I stepped away — took six months to get my sanity back.

Great for me. Not so great for my team.

By the time I went back to the corporate world, I saw the aftermath of my "All Will Work Out" plan: projects hanging, people scrambling, some gone — not voluntarily.

Realization that I didn't account for those left holding the bag while I gallivanted across the country.

Just didn't think "who pays if I don't think this through?"

Done Cleaning Up After Other People's Mess!

I've been on the receiving end of other people's "wing-it" moments.

The customer meeting where my CEO was completely blindsided because sales couldn't be bothered to update the brief. Guess who had to scramble — mid-meeting — to reframe the entire conversation on the fly?

Not the "it'll all work out" sales guy!
He boasted about being "good under pressure." Wrong Chad!

You're good at creating pressure that other people have to absorb — big difference.

Or when I had to beg my caterer to feed 80 people coming to my house because someone who had committed to "I'll make the food" just didn't!

Her "it'll all work out" is actually code for "someone else, aka ME, will clean up her mess!"

That was when "Plan It JT" came into play and stayed.

The one who does not let things fall through the cracks.
The one who ensured others did not drop the ball.
The one whose motto became
"Your emergency does not constitute my urgency."

Corporate loved that version of me: organized, goal-directed, well-planned, whipped everyone in line.

So yeah, the more I turned that dial up, the more promotions and rewards I got. And eventually?

It got stuck on max — not just at work, in my personal life too.

Is It Better to Be a Planner or a Wing-It Person?

According to the gurus, it's actually more important to process it as "Conscientiousness."

It's giving a damn about the impact of your actions or inactions on others — not just you.

It's asking:
Is anyone counting on me?
Am I committing to others?
What do I need to follow through and deliver on what I said?

Bottom line:
You can be spontaneous. Flexible. Unstructured. Just not at someone else's expense.

You can also be proactive. Planned. Thorough. Just don't impose your will on others.

Is It Just Me, Or Are You Exhausted from Being the Responsible One?

Being all wing-it is irresponsible — I know because I was that person.

But being all plan-it? That's unsustainable.
While it worked for my career, it also exhausted me.

Guess the grown-woman move isn't picking a side. It's reading the stakes and choosing the right dial setting.

Now that I am retired, I've started asking a different question: Does this situation actually need the dial turned up? Am I over-functioning out of habit?

Like the wedding Chris & I are planning. Right after our engagement over the holidays, I went into full planning mode on our October wedding. Timeline. Venue. Logistics. Guest list. And yes — seating chart.

As Chris is in the "Wing-It" Camp, his words of wisdom were: "How about we just do a cocktail reception wedding? No sit-down dinner — No seating chart! It's sixty of our family and closest friends. They all know each other already!"

Couldn't argue with that!
A cocktail reception with the people we love and who love us back?

Maybe the dial can come down.

Your Move?

If you've spent years with your dial cranked all the way up?
Maybe start asking: where can I turn it down when no one is impacted by it?

And if you're running full on "it'll all work out" — ask yourself:

Work out for whom? And if the answer is "someone else will fix it" — you might just be inconsiderate!

P.S. For women in the Unscripted Middle — between who they were, who they are today, and who they’ll be — if a friend sent this to you, and you thought, “that’s me,” pull up a chair by subscribing.

P.P.S. Wondering how I got here? I got restructured by AI, spent three weeks planning instead of doing anything, watched my face stage a hostile takeover, realized I'd weaponized my hobbies, and got called out for my high expectations, had an epiphany that friendships have expiration dates, realized I was failing at retirement, and went with more me as my 2026 New Year's Resolution. Standard stuff.