The Research Behind… “Good Daughter Gone Bad”

In my post, Good Daughter Gone Bad: Lovingly Eliminated Their Autonomy, I talked about what happened when we “fixed” our parents’ health crisis with military precision and eliminated their autonomy.

For you, it might be an aging parent, a spouse who's slowing down, or a family member whose doctor just dropped some news. Different details, same 3 AM question: "Am I helping or am I taking over?"

That's the Unscripted Middle — between who you were, who you are today, and who you'll be. And it turns out, there's actual research on why this moment goes sideways so fast.

The Sandwich Generation: You’re Not Imagining the Squeeze

There’s actually a term for people like us: the sandwich generation.

Parents on one side, adult kids or your own life on the other, and you in the middle getting squished.

The University of Michigan, writing in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society, found that nearly one in four adults caring for a parent over 65 also has at least one child under 18. Sandwich generation caregivers were twice as likely to report financial difficulty (36% vs. 17%) and more likely to report substantial emotional difficulty (44% vs. 32%).

So if you feel like you’re being pulled in every direction at once — that’s because you literally are.

Why We Prioritize Safety, and They Prioritize Autonomy

Here’s where it gets interesting.

A study in the Journal of Adult Development found that when aging parents experience functional limitations, adult children begin to monitor and control their parents’ behavior. The researchers describe this as “governance transfer in reverse” — taking over decision-making from our parents.

But here’s the clash: Parents prioritize autonomy and self-sufficiency. Adult children prioritize safety and convention.

The same study noted that parents often keep information from their children, specifically to protect their autonomy. They know if they tell us about the fall or the scare, we’ll jump into fix-it mode.

Sound familiar?

Self-Determination Theory: The Three Needs

There’s a psychological framework that explains exactly why my parents aged ten years after we “helped” them. It’s called Self-Determination Theory (SDT), developed by Deci and Ryan.

According to SDT research across multiple studies, including work published in Frontiers in Psychology, humans have three basic psychological needs:

1. Autonomy — the sense of controlling your own life and being able to influence decisions.
2. Competence — the ability to control outcomes, perform tasks with effectiveness, and feel capable.
3. Relatedness — feeling connected and supported by others.

When these three needs are fractured, well-being declines. It’s not just about aging — it’s about having your psychological foundation kicked out from under you by people who love you.

NPR Got It Right: “They’re Competent to Make Lousy Decisions”

NPR interviewed psychologist Erlene Rosowsky, who is herself 82 years old. She said something that hit me:

“As long as a parent is competent to make decisions, they’re competent to make lousy decisions or decisions you wouldn’t make.”

The older adult, she says, “doesn’t want to be wrapped up.” They want to maintain their sense of autonomy and advocacy.

Rosowsky’s advice for adult children? Slow down and listen. Listening is the most important thing an adult child can do for an older parent. And if a parent is struggling with a change to their health, she suggests saying something like: “I’m seeing this might be hard for you. Is that what you’re feeling?”

Not: “Here’s what we’re doing about it.”

There’s often a gap, she notes, between what the adult child thinks a parent needs and what that parent feels they need.

What the Research Says About Asking Instead of Deciding

Studies on engaging older adults in healthcare decision-making consistently emphasize shared decision-making — involving older adults, their families, and healthcare providers in crafting care strategies together.

The keywords are shared and together.

Research from the University of Minnesota on supporting aging parents and avoiding family conflict recommends:

• Negotiate the provision of help with elderly parents — they may not like to ask for help or accept it because of feelings of loss of pride.
• Acknowledge the inability to “control” the situation and the frustration this may cause.
• Know that if someone is in denial about the situation, the denial may get in the way of making decisions.

In other words, you can’t fix denial by deciding harder.

If You’re In the “Did I Make It Worse?” Phase

This is what the research keeps circling back to.

1. Your fixer formula isn’t wrong — it’s just not designed for humans who want to be asked. Corporate crises respond to swift action. People you love respond to being heard first. Same brain, different playbook.
2. Autonomy isn’t optional — it’s a basic psychological need. When you strip autonomy, competence, and relatedness, their well-being tanks. It's that simple.
3. Safety vs. autonomy is real — and both sides are valid. You’re not crazy for wanting to put them into a bubble. They’re not crazy for wanting independence. The tension exists because both matter.
4. Be the cheese, not the bread. In this sandwich generation, try complementing what’s already there rather than feeling you need to hold everything together. Ask: “What would you like to do about it?” — even if you’re silently running your risk management plan in your head.

Your Move?

Maybe you made your parents cry over the phone, too. Maybe you've already moved them and are now wondering why they seem so much older. Maybe you're standing at the edge of a decision right now, phone in hand, ready to jump into fix-it mode.

If you're in the Unscripted Middle — wanting to help someone you love and wondering if you're just taking over — that's not failure. That's awareness.

Life interrupted you for a reason.

The crisis, the calls, the fixing —
that chapter can shift.
Asking first is the move.