The Research Behind... "Why Don't I Recognize Myself Anymore?"
When Age just decides to take over — is fighting it "vain" or rebellious? For the skeptics and the 3 AM Googlers. You wanted the psychology. I did the homework.
In my blog, Hostile Takeover: My Face Staged a Coup, I talked about what happened when one photo and one comment cracked the image I'd been trading on for decades — and realized "aging gracefully" is the biggest con of them all!
For you, it might be the Zoom square that made you flinch. The "ma'am" from a teenager that made you cringe. The group photo you quietly untagged. Different details, same 3 AM question:
"Why doesn't she look like me anymore?"
That's the Unscripted Middle — between who you were, who you are today, and who you'll be. And it turns out, there's actual research on why all of our options are just BULLSHIT!
Some made me want to forward it to every woman who's ever called me "vain." Some stopped me from hitting the "Buy It Now" button on that $200 Serum.
Why Men Get "Distinguished," and Women Get "Past Their Prime"
Susan Sontag named this back in 1972, and fifty years later, it's still true. In her essay "The Double Standard of Aging," she made the argument that men get TWO standards of beauty — the boy and the man. Women? We only get one. The girl.
Researchers call it gendered ageism — when age bias and gender bias team up on women, not men. The Journal of Women & Aging confirmed it in 2021: Women are forced into a lose-lose choice — hide your age to be taken seriously or be "authentic" just to be judged as "not caring about herself".
Psychology Today didn't sugarcoat it either. There's a societal tendency to associate aging with decline for women, while men get credit for wisdom and character. Women face "lookism" — the added pressure to stay young-looking — on top of regular ageism.
So, if you "age naturally", you're "letting yourself go."
If you get work done, you're "vain."
There's no winning move in this game.
Unless you refuse to play by their rules.
The Mirror Shock Is a Real Thing
Our brains have a "reminiscence bump," where we recall our teens and twenties more vividly than other decades.
That moment when you look at a photo or catch your reflection and think, Wait, WHO is that? Psychologists call it "mirror shock," and more women, aged 40-60, seek cosmetic treatment after they have this experience!
Not surprising at all!
The "Aging Gracefully" Trap
On the surface, this sounds so elegant — graceful. But what does it actually mean? Decline quietly? Don't complain. Don't try to change anything. Better if you just... fade.
The American Society on Aging published a 2023 piece that found: "In the media, older women are most often presented as 'aging gracefully,' which is required to remain relevant, or you will not be seen."
The expectation is that women must be seen as "ageless", hide all signs of aging, do it without telling anyone, and make sure no one else can tell either!
And if you "age naturally"? That's a sign that you've given up on yourself — bad!
If people know that you got Botox or quick fixes? Then you are just being "vain", "fake", or "trying too hard!"
How's this logical? If society is going to celebrate you getting older, you'd better look a certain way while hiding what you are doing, and then lie about it?
NOPE! Not complying with this ridiculous expectation.
Is Botox Vain — Or Is It Autonomy?
I really appreciated the research by Aesthetic Plastic Surgery. In a 2022 study, they examined women who received Botox and found that these women reported higher quality-of-life scores in physical well-being.
The researchers noted the importance of physical appearance on quality of life, including self-esteem, and how we connect with others. No signs of body dysmorphia or pathological personality traits were found in these individuals.
Another meta-analysis in Frontiers in Psychology found that women who pursue cosmetic procedures scored notably higher in conscientiousness, not vanity.
Next time you hear snickering that "women who botox are insecure" — tell them to shut the f-up!
Choosing Your Terms Might Actually Help You Live Longer
Becca Levy, a Yale researcher, published a longitudinal study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that stated:
People with positive self-perceptions of aging lived 7.5 YEARS LONGER than those with negative self-perceptions.
So "aging with intent" — choosing your own terms instead of surrendering to either shame or someone else's definition — isn't just attitude. It's a longevity strategy.
Had to read this research multiple times just in case it was my bias that thought — "Wait! Positive thinking about aging actually affects how long you live?"
If You're in the "Who Is That in the Mirror?" Phase
- The double standard is real — and it's not in your head. Research confirms women face gendered ageism earlier and harder than men. You're not being dramatic.
- Not recognizing yourself is a cognitive phenomenon. Your brain stores an image of a younger version of you that doesn't update in real-time. The disconnect isn't vanity. It's neuroscience.
- "Aging gracefully" is a cultural trap. It might sound like wisdom, but its primary function is to shut you up! You're judged for aging naturally. You're judged if you don't. The only move is to choose YOUR terms and tell everyone else to mind their own business.
- Choosing Botox (or serums, or spa days) isn't vanity — it's autonomy. Research shows a higher quality of life, higher conscientiousness, and no increased pathology. Intentional choices = autonomy.
- What you believe about aging affects how long you live. Positive self-perception = 7.5 more years. Choosing your terms isn't vanity. It's literally life-extending, at least in my book!
Your Move?
Maybe it was the dressing room halogen lights that weren't flattering. Maybe your children said, "Mom, was that you in the photo?" Or your noisy neighbor who asked with judgment — did you get any work done?
If you're in the Unscripted Middle — negotiating with "aging" on your own terms — that's not vanity. That's healthy!
For me, it was my face. For you, it might be going back to work after kids, choosing to stay single, ending a relationship that looks great on paper, or any other decision that's yours and nobody else's damn business.
Life interrupted you for a reason.
The double standard, the double bind, the "graceful" trap — that's their game.
Choosing your terms? That's yours.
