LOVE ON THE ROCKS: NOT JUST FOR LOVERS

The Question I Couldn't Dodge

Recently, I attended homecoming with my sorority sisters!

It's been 46 years since I went to homecoming with these women AND I HAD A FANTASTIC TIME!

Lots of catching up and getting to know each other again. Since college we've had different careers, different perspectives, different lives - yet we are still the same group of girls who decided to join the same sorority together. That made the trek to New Brunswick so worth it!

Then came the question I'd been avoiding: "How's XXX doing these days?"

My BFF since middle school AND the one who convinced me to join the sorority.

My answer? "I have no idea."
Not "she's great" or "we've both been busy."

Just honest, awkward truth. I literally have no clue how she's doing, what she's up to, or if she's even still living in the same state.

Their faces said everything—like I'd just confessed to never seeing Pulp Fiction (yes, I'm the only person who hasn't seen that movie!)

Is It Just Me, Or Do Relationships Have Expiration Dates?

Apparently at 59 everything changes - my job, my face, my longest friendship – guess everything does have a Best Used By date!

This is the friend who used to sneak out with me at midnight and plot our Golden Girls future. We survived everything together—middle school mean girls, high school heartbreaks, college experiments we would never divulge, career highs and lows, marriages, widowhood, divorce.

We knew each other's families and shared decades of inside jokes that no one else understood. Survived each other's worst phases (including my unfortunate perm thanks to my sister's experiment gone wrong).

But here's what hit me that homecoming weekend, watching my sorority sisters who DID grow together, who DID stay compatible:

If XXX and I met today, would we be acquaintances, casual friends, or be each other's ride-or-die?

As much as I hate to admit it...
We would not like each other very much today.

Instead of being lifers... We just... faded.

Everyone's a Friendship Expert

The minute I mentioned this to anyone, boom— opinions from everywhere!

Team Stick It Out: "True friends stick with you through anything!" "She's going through a hard time!" "Don't worry, it's just a phase—you two will be back to normal!"

Team Cut and Run: "Life's too short to have to think about it—true friendships are effortless!" "You've just outgrown her!" "It's okay to let people go!"

My personal favorite: "Friendships take work!"
Sure, Jen, so does doing my taxes, but that doesn't mean I want to do them every week!

The Salad in My Fridge

We didn't have a blow-out, no dramatic conversations about 'where we stand.'

We just stopped calling. Holidays came and went without our usual check-ins.

When mutual friends mentioned her name, I'd say, 'Haven't talked to her in a while,' and change the subject.

The girl who used to make me snort-laugh with her frog noises? We evolved into people who no longer fit like puzzle pieces for each other.

Seems during COVID, we became incompatible - no, it wasn't over if we should get the vaccine or wear a mask! It wasn't that simple.

We just organically wilted like the salad sitting in the crispy vegetable drawer of my fridge. I know it's healthy for me to eat greens, just probably not when it's soupy.

Some days I'm okay with this.
Other days, not.

Guess the truth is who we were at 12, 32, or even 52 didn't stay constant.

The more I thought about this, the more I realized that —friendship love, family love, romantic love—can all be on the rocks as we evolve. The key might be to recognize it and not avoid it!

Progress Report: The Holiday Party List

Here's what having the time to breathe and think did: it made me intentional about who I'm including in my life.

Working on our annual holiday party invite list, I looked at each person and asked: is this someone I want to spend 5 hours with? Someone I want to catch up with on what they're doing and what's happened in their lives this past year?

Some names were easy - YES!
Some were "we've always invited them" — which isn't a yes.

At least now I'm asking the question instead of defaulting to history.

Your Move?

Maybe you're holding onto relationships that ended years ago.

Maybe you've already let some go but haven't admitted it yet.

Maybe you're googling "Is it terrible to send your BFF calls to voicemail?" at 3 AM.

If you're investing in any relationship out of history — that's not loyalty. That's just keeping something past its Best Used By date.

Maybe just ask the question: If I met this person TODAY - as who we both are NOW - would we choose each other?

Whatever your move is, make it unapologetically yours.

P.S. For women in the Unscripted Middle — between who they were, who they are today, and who they'll be — if a friend sent this to you and you thought "that's me," pull up a chair every Sunday by subscribing.

P.P.S. If someone popped into your head while you were reading, forward this her way.